Day 104: Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Recently I finished re-watching the first season of Dollhouse- a T.V. show about a new kind of prostitution where if you pay 1 million dollars, you can have a date with someone beautiful whose brains has been wiped clean (digitally) and replaced with any kind of personality/memory that you want or need. Anyways when the “dolls”- the nickname for people who willingly sign their bodies away for five years to get loads of money in return- are not working, they basically walk around like zombies, doing yoga, going swimming, cutting bonsai trees, eating salads, etc… and the only thing they say is, “I try to be my best…” and for some reason that really struck me, especially after the 14th time hearing it in one week (I watched the whole season in that time span) because I knew I wasn’t- not even close.
I guess I hit rock bottom last week when- after I found out that the girl I like had a boyfriend- I still decided to go ahead and put a painting that I did last winter in the girl’s mail box as a gift, which could either be seen as cute and romantic or stalkerish depending on your point of view... and then a minute later I began to second guess myself and decided that it looked better without the envelope, so I entered her apartment building and taped it directly to her door instead. After exiting, I began to think that maybe it looked a bit creepy, so I went back in and pulled it off causing the paint on the door to rip off as well(!). I then put the painting back in the mailbox outside and then finally left for good. Afterwards I walked around aimlessly in the rain for thirty minutes fretting about what I had done… It was clear to me then that I had seriously lost it, which in a way was kind of embarrassing since the quake in March was definitely more severe and dramatic than getting rejected by a girl (I wasn’t even really rejected) but still, the latter, seemed to have showed me how truly weak I was/am deep down.
Coincidentally my friends kept bothering me to play sports last week- first it was ping-pong, then badminton, then badminton again, and then it was rock climbing… and through all this, even though I was exhausted after playing sports everyday, I began finding my balance again… When my friend Hashi told me that he has been going to a gym near my house every morning, I asked him if I could go with him to check it out. The next day when we were working out, I realized then that I was now not doing all this because of her, but for myself... so I signed up on the spot to be a member (which was the first time ever for me). When I got up at 6:00 again today to go exercise, even though I wanted to die for being up so early, I felt different. Under my pajamas, I could tell that there was now muscle and strength forming where there hadn't been before.