Thursday, September 8, 2011

Day 165: Monday, August 22, 2011

I wake up and I immediately still feel terrible for what I have done. I keep thinking, “I just wanted to make something beautiful…” and it begins to scare me how powerful T.B. can be.

Even though it is supposed to be sunny, it is pouring outside, which I guess suits my mood. I check my mail to see if I have gotten a response to my apology letter from either of my friends, but there isn’t any, which makes me realize that I would rather get another angry letter than nothing at all. Instead, waiting for me is an email from the girl I like, but my guilt took away the normal pleasure of hearing from her as well.

My back has been hurting for the past few days to the point where it’s hard to sit down without any pain. Ian had back pain as well for the past two months and my tolerance level for him being in a bad mood everyday at that time was rather low, but now I understand because it really is hard to be friendly and polite when pain is drilling into you constantly; but anyways the pain I feel from my back is nothing compared to the guilt I feel for hurting my friends...

The deadline for my Canon exhibition plan is due today. I was supposed to finish it last night when I got home but I got that email from my friend then, and everything else just lost its color and relevance. I have been lecturing Mari, my ex, this past week about not letting your personal problems get in the way of your work, but when your work is about your personal life, maybe it’s impossible.

I have the urge to talk to someone about everything, and the first person who I think of is the girl I like, but then I think about how I have been writing about her this whole time- I’m sure that she doesn’t mind since she is still talking to me- but our relationship is still uncertain and I don’t want to taint T.B. in her eyes because in the end, T.B. is actually just me. I then consider contacting Mari, but because I have already hurt her and made her mad so many times before with my diary as well, I can already hear her say, “I told you so.” And then I think of Ian… as well as all the stress I had caused him in the past... and then I realized that, in a way, this diary has alienated me from everyone.

I wrote yesterday that “T.B. is a monster”, but I know it’s really just me. At Ian’s wedding, many people came up to me and were telling me they were enjoying the blog. Someone even criticized it to my face, but even so, I realized that T.B is having it’s intended affect… which, in a way, made me uncomfortable because with all this recent success, I keep worrying deep down how do I avoid becoming the kind of person I hate, which is the “successful” kind... and in the end, what will it cost me?

I really believed in what I was doing, but I’m not so sure now. I guess you can only be happy for so long (I’m discovering it’s not very long) before you or someone else fucks it up; or maybe I’m totally wrong and it’s just me. Maybe I just don’t deserve it yet.

1 comment:

  1. Don't be dumb. It's still the best blog in the house. Love you!!!